Think on the following maxims..

1) Animal testing is a terrible idea- they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
2) exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement
3) be nice to your kids they'll choose your nursing home
4) If everythings going your way, you are driving in the wrong lane
5) an oral contract isn't worth the paper it is written on
6) the best way to serve cabbage is to someone else
7) a day without sunshine is like...night
8) never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway
9) the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom
10) a tidy desk is the sign of an untidy drawer
11) if you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
12) if tomorrow never comes you are dead
13) a good pun is its own reword
14) the road to success is always under construction
15) if at first you don't succeed, destory all evidence you tried
16) nobody is ugly after 2am
17) suicide is a way of telling god: "You can't fire me - I quit!"
18) a beer in the hand is worth 2 in the fridge
19) change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
20) it's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way
21) he who laughs last, thinks slowest
22) hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now
23) twenty-four hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
24) honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defence
25) friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Hope you enjoyed them. They are a selection from a book I have called the "Mammoth book of jokes". Great new post for the first one since the blog re-design and for the first one since I am back home for a little while!