Going down, down deeper and down

As this blog is largely anonymous, although I am sure it wouldn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who I am, I feel it is a safety net and a cocoon to confess things which I otherwise may not have done.

I am quite sure I will regret posting this at some point and this isn't easy.

Don't worry it's nothing to serious but I have recently read this : All the same ingredients as me, a journalist - which I am trying to be, and depression - which I am fairly sure I have...

It is good that something like that appeared in Press Gazette - at least highlighting the condition. But I can't help getting annoyed at myself as I shouldn't feel the way I do the majority of the time but "just the way it is."

No reason though. I am young, healthy-ish, stable family and background, financially secure, albeit due to parents etc etc. Yet I cannot motivate myself sometimes which is particularly a roadblock when looking for a job and question the point of it all constantly.

This had me nodding all the way through it, especially some of the comments at the bottom but also makes me question, when there seems to be so many people that have battled through and are still fighting, is it all worth it in the end?

For me, I find some sort of solace in drinking beer and occasionally and recently smoking. I am not talking drinking 20 bottles here or smoking 20 fags a night.

I mean, most times, four bottles of beer a night - sometimes less than a couple of days a week, other times nearly everyday. The smoking is usually one night, mostly but not always coupled with the beers - maximum has been three fags I think.

I am also a big music fan. I wish I could attend more gigs and had gone to more concerts during my college/uni days. I find lyrics so important when I feel overcome, that I have started writing them down and making them into songs - without a melody at the moment. Seems to help.

Maybe the next step is medication and doctors but for now I am trying to force it away with sheer willpower which sometimes works but sometimes doesn't. Fingers crossed.